Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
please don't ironically join a cult
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