I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Randomize
