he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
