if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
