It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
