i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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