Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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