I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
