my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
