if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
