What tipped you off? The sombrero?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
