when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
