She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
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