I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
