When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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