I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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