I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
