I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
