So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
