You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I want a musical about memes.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
