the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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