All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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