just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
if only i could text you this smell
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
