that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
