we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
