woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
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I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
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I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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