chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
