I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
