the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
sarcasm needs its own font
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
