my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Every concussion has its silver lining
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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