FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
