drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
