Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
try to milk me bitch
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
