Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
