If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
