i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
