Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
