Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
We had sex on a dog bed..
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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