are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
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I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
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javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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