I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
