I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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