I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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