I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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