guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
