i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
