captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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