I met the friendliest cop last night
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
