hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
