Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
