The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
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Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
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May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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