She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
