this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
