Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
