the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
