I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
