Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
