i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I wanna passion pit in your ass
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
