Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
